[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 7:54 PM Title: Claire
This is like reading a movie, you really feel for each character when faced with whatever adversary they find themselves with. That said I'd love to read the chapter.
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 1:36 PM Title: Claire
I think this chapter is fine, just cause Claire wouldn't get that dark. Because of her brother Corey.
If you do decide to post it, I probably would still read it.
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 10:25 AM Title: Claire
First off, it's a little troubling that Claire's personality is generally arrogant, at least from Ashley's perspective.
Second, I hate to admit it, but Claire's talk has a lot more impact for Ashley given what she just went through with her sister. Still not sure if I agree with their methods, but I can see Ashley getting defensive and being in denial if they had just straight out told her. In fact this part of the session has been a lot easier to stomach than the last, and actually gives me hope that the girls will be okay after. (Well maybe not Jenna, cheeriness, Really?)
But I have to wonder, between the degradation and now the guilt, how is Ashley not suicidal right now?
If there's a possibility an alternate chapter would further harm the "character" of your characters, I'm not sure I would want to see it.
Author's Response:
I personally don't really find an issue with the arrogance, though I also prefer it even in a gentle giantess. Claire, remember, is: the captain and star player of her soccer team, is extremely proud of that fact and the condition she keeps her body in, and as Ashley implies is basically the Queen Bee of her class. She has reasons beyond just her size to be arrogant, and despite that arrogance generally tries to conduct herself in what she feels is the morally correct way. But I also know plenty of arrogant people in real life that are ultimately extremely kind, generous people.
Ashley is still processing things. She has even more to process still. But the girls aren't going to finish this whole matter and then just leave her to fester.
Date: March 22 2014 9:15 AM Title: Claire
I'm a bit puzzled sometimes because I realized I should have read your other story before this one (d'oh!), but even then, this story is just really well written.
Even better when I think that "Consequences" is likely just as good, and ~4x longer...
PS
"she had been been" :)
Author's Response:
Thanks for the kind words.
And I don't know what you're talking about >_>
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 7:09 AM Title: Claire
Chapter was pretty much what I was expecting given the hints displayed in previous parts.
I think the words actually hit harder for Ashley than the actions, and I take back what I said in a previous review as being made to feel helpless first made the revelation of what she actually did to Jack have greater impact.
On the alternate chapter I wouldn't mind having a look. It's always interesting to see how a story could go.
Date: March 22 2014 6:12 AM Title: Claire
Finally we get some streight answers. Well I must admit their lesson may be more effective than I thought it would be. That talk about dominance was chilling. Though I still think this could have been handled by their parents...
Anyway I just realized did Ashley meet this boy at school? Do beta and alpha children go to the same schools? If so I fail to see how things like this army regular occurrences. It's amazing to think how much power even an alpha child can have over a beta adult, to the point they can't even hear them beg.
Finally, if you intend for us to give Jenna the benefit of the doubt your not really presenting it in the story. I'm sure it's not a coincidence she said time right when the got to talking about bruises...
Author's Response:
I'm glad the talk on dominance was chilling. I feel it's something that's impossible to get around in this world, really, regardless of how good things may be.
And no, they don't go to the same schools. The general idea is that Ashley spends a lot of time in the mixed-size area of the city and basically just ran into this boy a lot and struck up conversation here and there. Though yes, that power imbalance is an amazing, frightening thing.
And no, it isn't a coincidence, though probably not for the reason you're thinking :P
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 4:33 AM Title: Claire
I agree with KazumaR1 and Nostory. As much as I'd like to read the alternate version, I have a feeling we'll get some of the darkness through Jenna, though hopefully not too much. How long have you been writing by the way? Your writing is so good.
Author's Response:
Well, I want to note that the chapters are mostly identical up to a point and Claire didn't get physically harder on Ashley in the other one. It got darker from a philosophy standpoint.
And not very long. Consequences is the first creative work I've done. I've spent more time thinking about writing than actually writing.
Date: March 22 2014 4:14 AM Title: Claire
Leave it as it is, I think that Jenna's chapter will make up for it, she seems raring to have a go at Ashley.
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 3:24 AM Title: Claire
Oh Ashely how can you be so stupid? Well it was obvious from the start she didn't ask for consent and I'm surprised she made such serious lapse in judgement. Even though it will probably change the nature of her relationship with her sister and friendship with Claire and Jenna, she needed that illusion of equality shattered to see how helpless a beta could be to an uncaring alpha. Claire mentioning that time with her brother again actually makes me wonder about the fight that occurred after it. Also Ashley could talk to Corey about her issues of inferiority, if he also had them at one point.
I'm curious what Jenna will do now. Believe or not I actually liked Jenna since the chapter she was introduced, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one. Besides why would Claire and Melody be friends with Jenna if she really went out of her way to hurt Ashely?
As for the alternate version of this chapter... I'm curious but not that curious. I'd rather have this version as the only one in my mind.
Author's Response:
One thing I also want people to consider is that Ashley potentially shattered that illusion for Jack. This is actually a concept the alternate chapter went really heavily into before I realized what a massive fucking downer it would be, among other things.
And yeah, I'm...thrown off by people constantly assuming the worst of Jenna just because her body gets off on a couple of less-than-stellar things, even after Kayla noted how self-aware and controlled she manages to be with it. And of course, Melody and Claire are part of this whole thing as well, and clearly still fine with Jenna two years after this.
And yeah, I'm leaning toward keeping it to myself and just using concepts from it later.